Rebuilding Your Identity After Leaving a High-Control Group

Reconnecting With Yourself

When you’ve been shaped by the dynamics of a high-control or fear-based systems, walking away isn’t just about leaving a building or belief. It often means leaving behind a framework that once told you who you are, what to believe, and how to live.

So what happens after that?

For many people recovering from religious trauma, there’s a sense of being unanchored. You may find yourself asking:

Who am I without this?
What do I believe now?
How do I trust myself again?

You’re not alone in those questions and the good news is you don’t have to have all the answers at once. People come to counselling wanting quick fixes, and of course we do, we want the discomfort to ease, but there’s time. And this journey invites us to reconnect, recreate, and reimagine identity in ways that feel personal and meaningful.

1. Explore What You Actually Believe

After years of being told what’s “right” or “true,” it’s common to feel lost when you finally have space to think for yourself. That space can be liberating but also scary. You might have been taught that questioning equals rebellion. But curiosity is a sign of growth.

This isn’t about replacing one rigid belief system with another. It’s about rebuilding from your lived experience, not from fear or pressure.

This exercise may help:

1.       Take a blank page and write: “What I believe now” in the centre. It’s not about doctrine or dogma, rather statements that feel right now.

2.       Around it, add phrases such as:

“Love doesn’t need conditions.”

“I can trust myself.”

“People are good.”

“I’m allowed to change my mind.”

3.       Don’t worry if the list feels incomplete or uncertain. Let it evolve over time.

You can decide what stays, what goes, and what still feels open-ended. You’re building your own foundation, one that’s flexible and authentic.

2. Use Creativity to Reclaim Your Voice

When you grow up in a system that discourages personal expression, it can be hard to even know what you think or feel. Creative practices help bypass the inner critic and reconnect with your inner voice.

Why creativity matters in recovery:

·        It gives form to emotions you can’t quite name

·        It helps process grief, anger, joy, and confusion

·        It allows you to explore without needing to be “right”

And you don’t have to be an artist or a poet to do this. It’s not about producing something perfect it’s about making space for yourself.

Creative prompts to explore:

·        Draw or paint what “freedom” looks like to you now

·        Write a letter to your younger self, or to a past version of you who felt stuck

·        Create a collage that represents who you’re becoming

Let creativity be your companion, especially when words feel too small or too big.

3. Set Boundaries With People From Your Past

Leaving a high-control community often means navigating difficult relationships with family, friends, or former leaders who still live within that framework.

They might not understand your decision. They may try to pull you back, question your choices, or express concern that’s wrapped in control.

This may feel scary but the truth is, you don’t owe anyone a defence of where you are now on your recovery path.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being cruel or unforgiving. It means you’re choosing to care for yourself in a way that wasn’t always allowed before.

Simple boundary phrases you can use:

·        “I’m not discussing my decisions or faith right now.”

·        “That topic doesn’t feel safe for me to discuss.”

·        “We’re not going to agree on many things, but I’d be really grateful if you could avoid trying to convince me of your way of thinking.”

Boundaries are a way of reclaiming your agency. You get to decide who has a front row seat in your life and sadly sometimes we lose our connections to people who once felt close when we leave high-control groups.

4. Build or Find a New Kind of Community

For many people, leaving a high-control means leaving behind an entire social ecosystem. That kind of loss can be devastating emotionally and also practically. You might miss the structure, the support and the rhythm of gathering.

But there’s also opportunity. You now have the chance to build a chosen community. One that supports the real you, without requiring you to shrink, perform, or pretend.

Look for connection that values:

·        Emotional safety over agreement

·        Compassion over conformity

·        Curiosity over judgment

You don’t have to do this all at once. Start small:

·        Join a book club, art class, or online group that aligns with your interests

·        Look for support groups or meetups for religious trauma survivors

·        Create your own circle, invite people into your life who offer warmth and respect

Healing in community is powerful. You don’t have to be fully healed to be worthy of connection. You’re enough as you are, right now.

5. Celebrate the Small Wins

Recovery is not a straight line. Some days you’ll feel strong and clear. Other days, old fears or habits might come back. That’s part of the process, it doesn’t mean something is wrong.

It’s easy to overlook the small wins, but they’re often the most important markers of change.

Examples of small wins to notice and celebrate:

·        You said “no” to something that didn’t feel right

·        You spoke up, even if it felt like anxiety

·        You rested without guilt

·        You let yourself feel without numbing or avoiding

Every time you make a choice that honours your values, you’re rebuilding trust with yourself. That trust becomes the foundation of your new identity.

So pause and acknowledge those wins. They matter more than you know.

6. Reach Out for Professional Support When You Need It

Religious trauma is real. And leaving a high-control group and the impact of it often takes more than willpower or journaling to untangle the effects. Especially when trauma involves shame, fear, or spiritual abuse, the support of a trained therapist can be life-changing.

A good therapist can help you:

·        Differentiate your authentic self from what was imposed on you

·        Reconnect to your body and your intuition

·        Grieve what was lost and celebrate what you’re reclaiming

You deserve support that’s trauma-informed, affirming, and patient.

If you're considering therapy, look for someone who:

·        Understands religious trauma, spiritual abuse and cult dynamics

·        Offers a nonjudgmental space where all parts of you are welcome

·        Supports your exploration of identity, values, and purpose

You don’t have to do this alone. And you’re not too much, too late, or too broken to heal.

In Summary

·        You are allowed to question. Curiosity is a form of self-trust.

·        Creativity can be healing. You don’t need to explain your emotions you just need to express them.

·        Boundaries are for you. They protect the healing work you’re doing.

·        New communities exist. You can find, or build a space that fits who you are now.

·        Acknowledge progress. Even tiny steps are moving your forward.

·        You deserve support. Healing is easier with someone in your corner.