Kind, Smart, and Human: Understanding Cult Dynamics and Recovery
“I would never fall for something like that.”
It’s a phrase I used to say before I understood what cults really are, how they operate, and the deeply human needs they exploit.
If you’ve walked away from a high-control group, religious cult, or spiritually abusive environment, you may have found yourself second-guessing your memories. You might wonder: Was it really that bad? or How did I not see it?
Let me say this as clearly as I can:
You didn’t join a cult because you were weak.
You joined because you were human.
This blog unpacks what cults really are, why kind and intelligent people end up in them, why good memories don’t mean it wasn’t abusive, and what recovery can actually look like.
Smart, Kind People Join Cults – Here’s Why
There’s a persistent myth that people who join cults are gullible, broken, or somehow “less-than.” In reality, the opposite is often true. Many of the people drawn into high-control religious groups or cults are thoughtful, hopeful, and generous. They’re seekers of belonging, healing, purpose, or transformation. These aren’t weaknesses, they’re basic human needs.
According to cult expert Dr. Janja Lalich, cults aren’t defined by robes, remote compounds, or doomsday predictions. They’re defined by coercive control, thought reform, and charismatic authority. In her book Take Back Your Life, she writes:
“In a cultic system, you are gradually led to distrust your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and to replace them with the group’s doctrine, goals, and mission.” (Lalich & Tobias, 2006)
And how does that happen?
Cults don’t show up with a sign saying “We’re going to hijack your nervous system and isolate you from your inner wisdom.”
They show up with:
Connection
Charisma
Community
They speak in the language of love, purpose, and belonging. And when you’re in a vulnerable moment, maybe fresh out of trauma, grief, transition, or spiritual hunger, that can feel like oxygen.
The real “hook” isn’t dogma, it’s the promise of meaning, clarity, and safety in an overwhelming world. For many, especially those who grew up in instability or trauma, the structure and certainty that cults offer can feel like relief. But that “relief” is conditional and it comes at a steep cost. In cultic systems, the more you comply, the more you are praised. The more you conform, the more you are loved. Your identity becomes entwined with your performance, and suddenly, the very things that made you unique - your doubts, your questions, your critical thinking - become threats to the group’s stability.
What they don’t tell you upfront is the price of belonging: your agency, your autonomy, your health, your finances, and often, your future.
“But I Had Good Times There…” Why That Doesn’t Mean It Wasn’t a Cult
One of the most common things I hear from clients (and something I wrestled with too) is this:
“But I had good memories. I felt loved there. We laughed. We cried. It changed my life. Doesn’t that mean it wasn’t a cult?”
Here’s what cults do exceptionally well:
Love bombing: Immediate, overwhelming displays of affection and attention that create a sense of rapid belonging.
Intermittent reinforcement: Alternating approval and shame to keep you guessing and seeking validation.
Spiritualised fear: Warnings about deception, punishment, or loss of divine favour if you question or step away.
At first, it feels like home. The music moves you, the messages or teachings seem life-changing, and the community embraces you like family. But then the expectations start to pile on - slowly, subtly.
Service becomes obligation.
Obedience becomes salvation.
Doubt becomes disobedience.
And by the time you realise something’s wrong you’re already emotionally entangled and bound in their system of control.
So yes, you can have cherished memories, spiritual highs, even deep friendships - and you can still name the harm.
You are allowed to say:
It was meaningful.
It was abusive.
It was both.
It’s important to recognise that the presence of good memories doesn’t negate harm. In fact, the emotional highs are part of the conditioning. Many cult survivors experience a deep sense of grief when trying to reconcile the “good times” with the psychological abuse they endured. You may feel guilt for missing certain people, songs, or seasons. That’s valid. It means you’re human and holding the complexity without needing to simplify it into “all bad” or “all good” is a powerful part of healing.
When the Control Continues
Many people think the hardest part is leaving, and it is hard! But survivors know that the hardest part begins after you walk away.
That lingering voice in your head that whispers:
“You’ll be deceived.”
“God’s angry.”
“You’re being selfish.”
“Something bad is going to happen to you.”
That’s not intuition.
That’s indoctrination.
Cults don’t just control your schedule; they rewire your nervous system.
They instill fear-based beliefs so deeply that even years after leaving, your body still reacts as if you’re in danger:
Panic when you set boundaries.
Guilt when you rest.
Terror when you say no.
This is called phobia indoctrination, a tactic described by Steven Hassan in his BITE Model of Authoritarian Control (Hassan, 2020). It refers to the intentional implantation of irrational fears to prevent members from leaving or questioning the group. Examples include fear of hell, fear of being cut off from loved ones, fear of losing divine favour, or fear of being eternally punished.
So, if you’ve left and still feel trapped? That makes perfect sense.
You’re not overreacting. You’re recovering from control.
You’re slowly teaching your body and mind that freedom is no longer dangerous. That rest is not laziness, boundaries are not rebellion, and that intuition is not deception. It takes time to retrain a nervous system that has been shaped by fear. There is no rush. Every step you take toward reclaiming trust in yourself, even if it’s shaky, is a radical act of recovery.
If You’re in Recovery from a Cult…
Here’s what I want you to know:
You’re not stupid. You’re not weak. You’re not too sensitive.
You were caught in a system designed to bypass your defences and hijack your humanity.
You can have beautiful memories and still call it what it was.
Naming the harm doesn’t erase what was meaningful; it just refuses to excuse the manipulation.
Leaving is brave. And recovery is possible.
It takes time and support, and it’s not always linear, but you can feel safe in your own mind and body again.
You don’t just “move on” from a cult. Recovery doesn’t mean erasing the past, it means integrating it, grieving what was lost, and gently creating something new. And you don’t have to do it alone. Whether you find support through therapy, online spaces, books, or safe friendships, every moment of connection helps loosen the grip of control that once defined your life.
Final Thoughts
Cults are not just rare fringe groups. Many operate in plain sight - behind pulpits, under the guise of churches, ministries, or self-help movements. What makes a group cultic is not its label, but its tactics: coercion, control, exploitation, and the dismantling of individual autonomy.
So, if you're recovering from something that was sold to you as “faith,” “family,” or “freedom,” but it left you anxious, lost, and silenced — please know that you are not alone.
📚 References:
Lalich, J., & Tobias, M. (2006). Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships. Bay Tree Publishing.
Hassan, S. (2020). The Cult of Trump: A Leading Cult Expert Explains How the President Uses Mind Control. Free Press. (For explanation of BITE Model and phobia indoctrination)